


nieves de enero

by glazers



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Exes, M/M, New Year's Eve, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 07:03:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17239649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glazers/pseuds/glazers
Summary: title from nieves de enero by chalino sanchezim mexican so idk if the grape thing makes sense, but i had to incorporate itmentions of depression, anti-depressants, anxiety, but it’s brief and not darkhappy new year, nothing but happiness to you





	nieves de enero

**Author's Note:**

> title from nieves de enero by chalino sanchez 
> 
> im mexican so idk if the grape thing makes sense, but i had to incorporate it
> 
> mentions of depression, anti-depressants, anxiety, but it’s brief and not dark
> 
> happy new year, nothing but happiness to you

baekhyun had been the one to drag minseok out of his apartment the day before new years eve. minseok hadn’t cared much for this year, seeing as it had been one of the worst ones in his twenty-eight years of life thus far. baekhyun knew that, stupid sehun knew that, but they insisted, said he could sleep over at theirs the day before their big end of the year party. minseok hadn’t been planning to drink, seeing as he was still on medication and that sort of thing didn’t mesh well.

 

minseok packed an overnight bag, vowed to sleep on the couch when sehun practically dragged him to he and baekhyun’s shared bedroom. for as long as he can remember, sehun and baek had been joined at the hip, childhood friends and then eventually lovers sometime in high school, or it could have been earlier. minseok doesn’t bother with the logistics. minseok didn’t know them since they were kids, but high school was around the time their paths crossed. he figured that after graduating and moving away, the friendship would crumble, but here he was, so many years later, wedged in between sehun’s too broad chest and baekhyun’s greedy hands in the same bed they fuck in.

 

it should make him uncomfortable, but he can’t find it in him to get up. minseok’s never one for touching, hates the idea of anyone putting their hands on him. he’s selective with that kind of thing. if he wants to touch and the other person does too, then he will. but he doesn’t want to be surprised by it, jumps when a hand touches his shoulder that isn’t from anyone he’s comfortable with.

 

“you’re sulking.” sehun says, voice too deep for him to be full awake. minseok hums, doesn’t bother answering because he is sulking. “is it the old age?”

 

“babe.” baekhyun hisses from behind minseok where he’s spooning him. minseok didn’t really care for cuddling, but baekhyun treated it as a lifeline. “what he _means_ is if you’re worried about having to start again?”

 

“i don’t know what that means.” minseok mumbles. “is that your way of saying if i’ve moved on?”

 

“oh, no. i know you haven’t.” baekhyun replies quickly. minseok makes a show of getting up but baekhyun pulls him back. “come on. it’s been that bad? it’s been so long since then.”

 

“yeah.” minseok shrugs. “a year.”

 

“it happened after christmas.” sehun says, scooting closer to press minseok against his chest. “i wouldn’t be over it either.”

 

“i can feel your dick on my thigh.” minseok hisses, tries to wiggle away but he just pushes more against baekhyun’s front. sehun grins, eyes droopy from exhaustion.

 

sehun makes a show of leaning down to kiss him when minseok shoves his hand in his face. “you could still date us, you know.” baekhyun says.

 

“it’d be weird.” minseok shakes his head. “and you guys aren’t even into me romantically. probably just want to fuck me.”

 

“probably.” sehun shrugs.

 

minseok knew very well that he could never date both baekhyun and sehun, seeing as the two were so far up each other’s asses that minseok stepping in would cause some weird divide. he’d thought of it a few times, but it just felt odd. “it’s gonna be fine, minnie.”

 

“don’t call me that.” minseok whispers, eyes closed as he tries to sleep.

 

whatever eve it was, whether it be christmas or for the new year, minseok didn’t want any part in it.

 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧

 

both yixing and kyungsoo show up later in the afternoon. kyungsoo looks at minseok like he’s confused, but hugs him in greeting anyways. “didn’t think you’d show.”

 

“they dragged me here.” minseok nods towards sehun and baekhyun fighting over how many grapes go in the cider. “i wasn’t going to. figured it would make everyone uncomfortable.”

 

“not us.” kyungsoo shrugs. “it’s been a year. we’ve all moved on, i feel.”

 

minseok wanted to tell him that he didn’t count in that _we_ he spoke of. he wasn’t so sure about jongin. “you know he’s coming tonight, right?”

 

“yeah.” minseok tries to relax his shoulders, but he tenses up at the mention of jongin. “i see him around all the time. not in person, but you know. billboards and such. campaigns.”

 

“guess that’s the downside of dating a model.” kyungsoo looks apologetic. “it’s gonna be fine. he’s different now. he’s grown since then.”

 

minseok knows he has because that’s just the type of person jongin is. he learns lessons from events that happen in his life unlike minseok. minseok wallows, sulks in his decisions rather than moving on from them. he’s very self-torturous, likes putting himself in the way of emotional stress or turmoil.

 

sometime around eight, minseok goes to take a shower and get ready. sehun had picked out an outfit for him, something warm and comfortable but also not anything grandpa-like. baekhyun makes sure to comment on his ass as soon as he appears, smacks a kiss on his cheek and makes a joke about “if sehun wasn’t in the room”.

 

he regrets taking his medication in the morning and thinks about how much better he would feel if he could drink, numb the tremor that was clearly going through his body everytime someone knocked on the door. chanyeol walks in arguing with junmyeon about something related to a movie, saying no, yeol, this actor wasn’t in this movie, you’re wrong. minseok hugs chanyeol and junmyeon, doesn’t bother starting a conversation from how uneasy he feels, but chanyeol was never one to allow tension so he just hugged minseok tighter and said something along the lines of, i’m glad you’re here.

 

minseok shoves chips into his mouth for a good hour while they watch some really bad mexican movie. baekhyun can’t shut up, earning a smack from junmyeon saying he can’t read the subtitles if there’s noise.

 

it’s nearly midnight, maybe forty or so minutes before the new year and jongin isn’t anywhere in sight. minseok starts to think he might bring someone, a new boyfriend or girlfriend. he doesn’t know if he could handle seeing jongin with another person on his arm. seeing jongin on a billboard or in a store made his stomach hurt, so he could hardly imagine what it would be like in person.

 

minseok’s itching to get a beer when a knock comes. the room suddenly stills and minseok prays that it’s jongdae, prays that he somehow came back home for new years instead of being with his parents. sehun scoffs, “everyone relax.” he gets up and answers the door. minseok shuts his eyes and subconsciously squeezes his hands into fists. kyungsoo has to hiss at him to relax.

 

minseok expects his stomach to turn inside out when he sees jongin, but he just feels like he’s vibrating. jongin goes around the room, hugs and jokes around with everyone. and then there’s minseok, curled against one of the corners of sehun and baekhyun’s too long couch. jongin smiles his way, walks toward him and hugs him. “nice to see you again, minnie.”

 

“you, too.” minseok musters as much as he can to not shake when jongin lets him go. he doesn’t look much different, still the same aura of softness around him. the fluffy zip up sweater he’s wearing does very little to sway his beauty. he’s wearing makeup, but it looks half whipped off.

 

“did you have a shoot?” kyungsoo asks, trying to alleviate the tension growing by the second.

 

“yeah. it took longer than the photographer intended. the guy i was shooting with got there late.”

 

and just the mention of jongin shooting with a guy as his counterpart makes minseok queasy. jongin takes a seat next to kyungsoo, on the opposite side of where minseok’s curled on the couch. the movie keeps playing until baekhyun gets irritated and changes it a horror movie. no one's paying attention to it since mostly everyone is engaged in conversation with each other. minseok picks at a loose string in the couch cushion when baekhyun announces, “shots!” And scurries into the kitchen.

 

“minnie?” jongin hangs back and motions toward the kitchen.

 

“oh, i can’t.” minseok straightens his back a bit. “yeah, i’m still—”

 

“right. my fault. i forgot.” jongin looks apologetic, “sorry.”

 

“it’s fine.” minseok smiles politely. he watches the movie while the rest of the group are in the kitchen, bellowing and taking shot after shot. minseok checks the clock and notes there’s half an hour left. he steps out into the balcony and sighs, tries to will his nerves down. he feels extra emotional, too. his eyes sting and his throat feels tight.

 

“figured you’d step out soon enough.” comes jongin’s voice. he doesn’t have a beer in his hand, which minseok is thankful for because if he did, he would have snatched it from his grip and downed it himself. “new years sucks without alcohol.”

 

minseok nods, really doesn’t want to try to have a conversation with him, or catch up since the last time they saw each other. their friend group all thought it was near christmas time when jongin cut him loose, said he couldn’t stay in a relationship that was the same recycled shit all the time.

 

sometime in march, a week before minseok’s twenty eighth birthday, they’d ran into each other at a bar. minseok hadn’t been drinking, but he was thinking about it. jongin was there dropping a friend off for a date, whatever that meant. the wound was still fresh, it was difficult to be apart from someone you became one with once upon a time. minseok had asked if he was drunk, said he didn’t want to speak to him if he was. jongin had said no, that he was perfectly sober, that he had a shoot earlier in the day. that’s when minseok began talking about modeling and how good he was at it, how no one else in the industry could measure up to the energy jongin gave.

 

it wasn’t supposed to happen, obviously. minseok was trying to get over him, still trying to fill in the holes of his life that jongin had left behind. minseok feels ashamed about it, about caving when jongin had shyly invited him over to his apartment, to talk he said, we can just talk.

 

jongin’s apartment was a bit messy that minseok almost wanted to scold him for it but he remembered that they weren’t dating anymore, that they didn't live together and couldn’t talk to him that way. minseok thought then that they would get back together, that they could work on the things that were wrong, but jongin didn’t seem to have the same idea.

 

they did talk, but it was very short, something along the lines of jongin asking about how work was, how his parents were and if they hated jongin now, if he had been seeing anyone. minseok asked the same, about his parents and if he was seeing anyone.

 

jongin shook his head, said he didn’t have time for it. minseok wants to ask if that was one of the reasons they broke up, but he was too choked up to do so.

 

“your birthdays soon.” jongin said. “twenty eight, huh?”

 

minseok nodded, “i’m getting old.”

 

“a little bit.” jongin joked, grinned when minseok laughed, a genuine laugh and not a fake, tight one like he’d been doing for the past twenty minutes. “is this how you pictured your life at twenty eight?”

 

“not really.” minseok shrugged. “you?”

 

“not really.” jongin echoed, tries to catch his eye but minseok stared down at his hands, fiddling with a hangnail. he really should get a mani. “come here, minnie.”

 

jongin felt a whole planet away, on the other end of the couch facing minseok. minseok had blinked at him, confused, but got up and sat closer, crossing his legs on top of the couch. jongin unbuttoned his jacket and set it down neatly beside him. minseok had stared at it, unsure of what that even meant.

 

“come here.” jongin motioned him with a hand, opened his legs for minseok to slid into, crawl into with his knees digging into the cushions. and this, clearly, isn’t what ex boyfriends do, but jongin cradled minseok’s face in his hands and sighed. “an early birthday present. you’ll feel it in a week.”

 

and he had, still had the hickeys on his birthday, had tried covering them up with makeup but it did very little. minseok flinched for the upcoming weeks just thinking about it, how jongin had fucked him against the couch until minseok’s eyes were welling up with tears. how jongin had laid on top of him when he came, sucked marks into the side of his neck and shoulders, didn’t say a fucking thing the entire time.

 

in his bed, too. minseok had been a little more mean then, didn’t bend so easily when jongin pushed him to. he didn’t like it like this. it was never like this when they were dating, wasn’t about just getting off. minseok said no when jongin told him to get on his hands and knees, had lied on his back on jongin’s sheets and said, “if you wanna fuck me, you’re gonna look at me while you do it.” which is what jongin didn’t want, didn’t want to have to see minseok’s face when something felt good. minseok notes that that’s what he was trying to avoid, trying to avoid the familiarness of when they were together, how minseok would try to maintain eye contact with jongin when he got on top, but couldn’t because he was too shy, too embarrassed.

 

jongin had let him, though, let minseok get on top and do it himself.

 

minseok felt sad after he left, could still feel jongin’s hands on his hips or his thighs. after the sadness dissipated, the anger set in.

 

he’s sucked out of the memory when jongin steps closer, next to him on the balcony. “bad combo, i guess.” jongin says, staring out into the city, which buzzed at this hour.

 

“antidepressants and alcohol.” minseok reminds me, it’s not like he needs to, anyway. jongin sighs, bows his head a little. “i see you around.” inflate his ego before you leave and never see him again. “billboards and in stores. even a commercial once.”

 

“must be annoying for you.” jongin looks at him. minseok notes that his look is different than it was that night in march. he almost looks sorry. “i wanted to—”

 

“don’t.” minseok says. “it’s fine.”

 

“i know you’re my senior, and i should respect you,” jongin says, “but let me finish.”

 

“if it’s an apology, keep it.” minseok tells him. “it’s fine, jongin.”

 

“it’s not.” jongin insists. minseok notices the annoyance in his voice, had heard it for three years before they broke up. “just… i shouldn’t have done that. before your birthday. i was angry and… thought doing that would help me, but you made it hard.”

 

“i didn’t do anything.”

 

jongin shrugs, “i just figured. i thought if… we did it one last time, just once, that it would be out of my system, that i could start going forward with my life.”

 

minseok chews on his lips, anxiety beginning to build in his stomach. the urge to run is growing. jongin goes on, though. not letting minseok get a breath in, “i figured if we fucked for the last time that it would be enough for me to move on. seal the deal between us. but after i just—”

 

baekhyun interrupts, “twenty minutes, weirdos.” then leaves.

 

“i hated you.” jongin says finally. “because i wanted us to work. i wanted to do dumb grown up shit with you, but we just didn’t—” jongin stops again. “it’s not your fault. it’s not. but i blamed you for it. i thought what the fuck am i doing wrong? why aren’t i enough for this guy? it was my fault too, but i couldn’t admit it to myself then. i put it all on you.”

 

“jongin, i…”

 

“i couldn’t forget you after that night. i’d been doing fine before, working fine and going out. but i let you back in.” jongin looks over at him for the first time since coming out into the balcony. “just… you’re the love of my life. i hope you know that.”

 

minseok hadn’t expected this, had expected jongin to walk on eggshells around him. dating within a friends group was a bad idea and minseok thought that he would be getting the we shouldn’t be friends talk. “i needed to leave you, minnie. we had to breakup or else we would have… i don’t know what we would have done, but we needed to.”

 

“i understand.” minseok nods, throat tight. “i… i don’t know what to say.”

 

jongin hums, like he was expecting that to come from minseok. “we should go inside. countdown starts soon.”

 

minseok feels sick for the rest of the night, doesn’t know what jongin’s monologue even meant. baekhyun passes around the glasses of apple cider with the twelve grapes at the bottom, a grape for each month, each grape represents a wish for the new year, a shout into oblivion, almost. the couples stand next to each other, ready to ring in the new year with a kiss. jongin’s on the other side of the living room, staring down at his grapes when the ten second countdown begins.

 

minseok wants to die, he wants to roll over and evaporate or disappear. baekhyun screeches happy new year at the top of his lungs and kisses sehun so hard it looks like it might bruise. jongin drinks his cider and starts chewing his grapes, mumbling quietly to himself. minseok does the same, tries to smile when sehun and baekhyun come over and kiss him on the cheek, hug him. he shoves grape after grape in his mouth, the same wish for all twelve grapes; jongin, jongin, jongin, jongin, jongin, jongin, jongin, jongin, jongin, jongin, jongin, jongin.

 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ

 

it’s the second of january. minseok craves summer, craves warmth and flowers blooming and not being so sad all the time.

 

he expects to get a call from jongin but all he gets is odd silence. no call or text or asking to meet up. it makes him upset, but he knows that jongin doesn’t owe him anything, that what happened new years was closure. closure that was much needed, it seems. you’re the love of my life, i hope you know that.

 

“you’re spacing.” jongdae says when they’re on their lunch together. minseok shakes his head. “jongin, isn’t it?”

 

“i guess.” minseok doesn’t want to talk about it, so he switches the conversation to jongdae’s parents, and how they have been, how his sister was doing with her pregnancy.

 

minseok’s suffering, inner turmoil turned up to the highest octave when he leaves his apartment. jongin’s face is on the subway, on buses. he almost cries everytime he sees him. he looks like a completely different person, someone minseok didn’t and would never know.

 

he doesn’t mention it in therapy, doesn’t think bringing up his ex would make his therapist very happy with him, so he swallows it like he does with so many other things.

 

jongin shows up at his door mid january. minseok only notices now that it was a week after his birthday. he’s soaking from the rain, doesn’t enter minseok’s apartment until minseok moves aside. it’s odd and kind of unwelcome. this sort of behavior wasn’t allowed nor encouraged. “jongin, you can't be here.”

 

“why not?” jongin’s jumpy, almost like he’s scared.

 

“just… we’re not… dating anymore. we’re hardly friends.”

 

jongin blinks at him, “are you seeing someone?”

 

minseok frowns, says no, not that it was any of his business anyway. “i can't be home.”

 

“why not? what’s wrong with your apartment?”

 

jongin doesn’t answer, just paces and sighs. minseok’s seen him this way before, wired and keyed up. it’d only happened a handful of times when they were together. jongin getting so overwhelmed that he just burst into tears out of nowhere and laughed the entire time, would curl up into a ball until he’d calm down and call himself dramatic.

 

“jongin, can you sit down?” minseok uses his soft voice, the one that always seemed to work on him in times like these. jongin doesn’t answer, again, takes his shoes and coat off and runs his hands over his face and hair, breath coming quicker. minseok sees it coming, can feel it in his gut. it’s a screech, almost, and then a whimper. jongin’s sobbing in the middle of his living room, making all the embarrassing noises that one would try to conceal. minseok doesn’t touch him, knows that he shouldn’t when he gets like this. “it’s okay.” minseok tries, tries not to cry as well because he’s worried. jongin doubles over, hunched with his knees near his chest as he cries like a child. minseok nears him, jumps when jongin suddenly straightens up and hugs him, cries into his neck.

 

minseok holds him, doesn’t say a word and lets him cry for a good ten minutes before he’s hiccuping. “it’s okay.” minseok says, again.

 

“i’m so dramatic.” jongin says, voice wet and tight.

 

he always said that after outbursts like these. he wasn’t dramatic, just overwhelmed. the smallest things could tip him off the edge. minseok wipes his face with the sleeves of his hoodie. “work?”

 

“part of it.” jongin mumbles. “have a lot going on.”

 

“oh.” minseok hums. “i’m sorry.”

 

“minnie, it’s dirty in here…” jongin looks around. “you don’t like mess. why’s it so dirty?”

 

“have a lot going on, too.” minseok replies, throat tight, feels like he might start crying.

 

jongin gives him a look and then slides out from his arms, air awkward suddenly. “i could help you clean.”

 

“jongin—”

 

“it used to help, when i did that. when you’d get bad. cleaning helped.” jongin tells him. it aches to hear him speak in past tense. used to help. minseok concedes, says okay. it takes everything in him not to crumble, not to cry because jongin’s suddenly caring.

 

they manage to get the living room clean and neat. minseok feels spent, feels like he needs to sleep. “last time you showered?” jongin asks him, eyes still puffy from crying, lips swollen because they always got like that when he cried. minseok thinks, says it could have been two or three days. “come on.”

 

“i don’t want to.” minseok says.

 

“you’ll feel better.” jongin grabs his arm, pulls softly. “come on, minnie.”

 

“i don’t want to.” he repeats.

 

jongin lets go of his arm and frowns, “you helped me. let me help you. please. come on.”

 

“i can’t—” minseok bites his lip, eyes welling up with tears. “i don’t have… i can't do it.”

 

“i’ll do it for you.”

 

jongin had only done this once before. two years into their relationship minseok had had an episode where he didn’t shower. minseok normally showered twice or three times a day, and going from that to not showering for a week scared jongin beyond belief. had coaxed him into the tub and bathed him, had been sweet about it. said it was okay to feel bad sometimes, but that things like these would make him feel better. this was a small victory and he should be proud of himself for doing it.

 

minseok can’t find it in himself to feel shy or ashamed when jongin helps him out of his clothes, runs the water warm and pours bubble solution into the water until minseok slips in, sits with his back against the wall. jongin scrubs at his back, his arms, his legs. he washes his hair for him, his face. “gonna be okay, minnie.”

 

“is this why you broke up with me?” minseok sighs out, hopes jongin doesn’t catch it, but he does.

 

“no.” jongin says, rubbing cleanser into minseok’s cheeks. “it’s not.”

 

“why are you here?”

 

jongin doesn’t answer, cleans his face with water from the showerhead and helps him on to his feet for a quick rinse. minseok wants to cry. “because no one else would know what to do if i did what i just did in their apartment at two am.”

 

minseok dresses himself, feels sleepiness seep into his bones when they’re back in his bedroom. “what you said at baekhyun’s— i’m not sure what i’m supposed to do with it.” minseok says, finally.

 

“me neither.” jongin crosses his arms. “wish i could say it was the alcohol but i wasn’t that drunk.”

 

“then?”

 

jongin shrugs, “i meant what i said. you’re the only one.”

 

“i’m sure you’ve met other people. it’s fine, if you have.”

 

“you’re right, i have.” jongin frowns, “i don’t date. didn’t date after march when we saw each other. didn’t date when the opportunity presented itself because it wasn’t you.”

 

“you’re young.” minseok says. “you still… have a long way to go. you’ll find someone.”

 

“say it, then.” jongin presses. “i’m not stupid, minnie. you’re transparent.”

 

“i’m…” minseok huffs, wants to smack his head against a wall six times for good measure. “you’re not making it easy for me.”

 

“could you see yourself with anyone else?” jongin asks. “if you can, i’ll back off.”

 

“you were the one that broke up with me.” minseok snaps, fed up with the one sided guilt. “you decided to end things. you moved out, you said it wasn’t working. you can't just show up a year later and tell me you’re still in love with me. how fucked up are you? i didn’t want to break up. that was your choice. i was… i was struggling but that happens sometimes, but i didn’t once think that i needed to break up with you in order to get better. i’m not. i didn't.”

 

“i didn’t break up with you to make myself a better person.” jongin hisses. “i… i was so tired of how we dealt with things. we didn’t even spend time together. work got in the way and you were sad and detached and i tried my best, okay? i did everything i could.”

 

“but you still love me.” minseok says. “you show up on new years eve and say i’m the love of your life. for what? do you want me to take you back? is that what you want?”

 

“i want you to say you don’t want me anymore. so i can move on.” jongin’s lip wobbles.

 

“i can't say that.” minseok puts his hands over his face, overwhelmed again, wants to kick jongin out, wants to hide under his blankets for a week. “you know i can’t say that.”

 

he expects a sigh of relief, expects jongin to say okay, then that settles it. “kyungsoo’s gonna be pissed when he finds out.”

 

minseok laughs, lets it bubble out of him. jongin laughs, too. “guess we’re out of practice.”

 

jongin nods, says he agrees. “can i sleep here?”

 

minseok doesn’t think he can even try to say no.

 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ

 

it doesn’t happen quickly. minseok still doesn’t know what any of this means, but he spends more time with jongin. they go out to eat almost every weekend. it would be mistaken for friendship if it wasn’t for the small kisses jongin sneaks on him. it doesn’t go past that for the first few weeks. minseok’s scared it might slip from him again, his chance to try again, to have another run at this relationship with jongin.

 

minseok tries to not overthink, tries to be present, but he feels overwhelmed with how things are happening. after a year, it doesn’t feel that much different to be with jongin but it also isn’t the same, he thinks it never will be.

 

minseok visits him at shoots, watches him in his natural element. he did this a lot when they were first together, would try to go to almost every shoot he could. it makes him anxious to see jongin so comfortable around his counterparts, tries to think if jongin acts that way around him, too.

 

jongin catches on after the first few times he notices minseok’s lingering eyes. they’re walking toward the elevators of the building when he asks. “something bothering you?”

 

and minseok’s natural response is no, everything's okay. jongin doesn’t force it out of him, kind of starts to say that he’s been noticing the way his gaze lingers during shoots, and it’s not in the way jongin wishes it was.

 

“just…” minseok shrugs. “i was just thinking if you looked that way with me. or acted that way.”

 

“happy?”

 

he nods.

 

jongin bumps his elbow with minseok’s, tries to get a smile out of him, “yes. very happy.”

 

“you’d tell me, right? if i wasn’t doing enough?”

 

“minnie, you’re doing enough.” jongin reaches and grabs his hand, squeezes. “i’m happy. i am.”

 

“okay. me, too.” minseok says, nods once.

 

they spent the remainder of the day at jongin’s apartment, take an hour nap on the couch and watch tv. minseok rummages around in his kitchen for something to cook, but he hardly has anything. “i should start buying groceries. your cooking is always good.”

 

“you’re just saying that.” minseok mumbles, grabs one of the softening mangos in jongin’s fruit basket and figures he could peel it. he feeds jongin when he complains about his arm being asleep from the nap they took earlier. minseok feels dread fill his stomach because this is familiar territory, but slipping back into these roles instills the fear of fucking up again, of being distant and detached.

 

“what’s wrong?” jongin snaps him out of his thoughts. minseok shakes his head, wipes his hand of the mango juice with a napkin. “minnie.”

 

“just thinking.”

 

jongin hums, frowns a bit, “just thinking or running in circles inside your own head?”

 

minseok smiles sheepishly, drops his gaze to his lap and picks at some mango peel that got under his nails. “i’m sorry. i can't help it.”

 

“counting down to how much time we last before one of us fucks up?”

 

he nods.

 

jongin laughs, “don’t do that. we’re good, minnie. it’s just like before.”

 

“it feels different.” minseok admits. “i’ve known you for nearly seven years, but it just feels… different.”

 

“out of practice.” jongin says, which minseok agrees with. “i’ve missed you, you know. you’re so shy with me now. it’s like when we first got together.”

 

“takes me a while to get comfortable.” minseok says, “even if it’s with you.”

 

jongin makes a sound like he understands. minseok doesn’t spend the night that night, figures it’ll be good to put some distance. jongin drives him home, parks the car near the curb where there isn’t a streetlight booming above them. minseok laughs because he knows what jongin is poking at. when they’d first started dating, it’d been awkward for some time, too timid to touch and kiss the way they both wanted to. jongin would park outside their old apartment — before they moved in together — and just sit there, try to start a conversation that eventually ended up in a backseat handjob or blowjob. those were jongin’s favorite times, the beginning stages, the bubbliness he felt when they went on dates or got drunk together.

 

“why are you laughing?” jongin asks innocently, unbuckles his seatbelt and turns in his seat to look at minseok.

 

minseok shakes his head, picks at his nails. “sometimes i forget how young you are.”

 

“you’re young, too.” jongin shoves his arm lightly, flirtatious in the way only jongin can be. minseok hums, says he looked like it but didn’t feel like it. “i do miss you, minnie. miss you a lot.”

 

minseok sucks in a breath and looks over at him, his head resting against the back of the seat. “what did you do in the year we were apart? besides become the face of countless huge brands.”

 

“stop.” jongin blushes, closes his eyes to think. “i was gonna get a puppy, to keep me company, but i was hardly home and didn’t want to leave him alone, so i didn’t. got a tattoo. another one, at least. got two piercings. i dyed my hair pink, like cotton candy pink for a campaign i did for some french brand.”

 

“two piercings? where?” minseok checks his nose to make sure he hadn’t missed anything. jongin points to his helix. “the other one?”

 

“oh. it’s—” jongin pauses and looks down. for a second, minseok thinks he probably pierced his dick, but he just pats a hand over his chest.

 

“oh.” minseok nods, “and the tattoos?”

 

“i can’t show you in such a cramped space, minnie.”

 

minseok laughs, “stop trying to fuck me.”

 

“no.”

 

minseok sighs and suddenly can’t stop staring at jongin’s chest, tries to see the metal bar through his sweater, but it’s difficult since it’s not tight against his skin. “can i see?” he reaches out subconsciously. this is uncharted territory since they began seeing each other again. jongin nods, pulls his hoodie up slightly just to show his left pec.

 

“oh.” he says again, tilting his head a little. minseok notes that there’s goosebumps rising on his skin from the cold. his nipple pebbles around the bar. minseok reaches out but jongin hisses and twists away. “sorry.” he feels dread fill his chest, thinking maybe he’d made him uncomfortable, but jongin shakes his head, pulls his hoodie back down.

 

“it’s fine. i’m just… sensitive there.”

 

minseok hums, “i know. i remember.” minseok bites his tongue, trying to push the memories of all the times before when minseok would tease him about it, would pinch them when they weren’t even fucking just to see him squirm. “i should head inside. it’s getting late.”

 

“what about you, though?”

 

“what about me?”

 

“the year hiatus. what did you do?”

 

he can’t remember much now, but he remembers visiting his parents more and focusing on work instead of allowing his sadness to swallow him whole. “nothing, really. saw my parents a lot more.”

 

“nothing drastic?”

 

minseok shakes his head, “didn’t think it would help me much.” jongin blinks, then nods his head once like he gets it. he feels bad, suddenly and reaches over the gear shift to kiss him. minseok had planned for a chaste one, something quick and soft, a small goodbye before he went inside, but jongin tugs on his sweater, tries to pull him closer. “it’s late.” minseok whispers.

 

“just a little more.” jongin says, pulling him in again.

 

“you’re such a baby.” minseok laughs, but it gets smothered against jongin’s teeth. he doesn’t know how long they’re like that, kissing until minseok has to tell him they should stop before it gets to be too much. “okay. respect your elders, sit back.”

 

“i wanna fuck you.” it’s abrupt, bubbles out of him like a breath. minseok gapes at him, then squints. “yeah. i said it.”

 

“what, now? here?”

 

“wherever. i don’t care.” jongin shrugs. “i mean, unless you don’t want to.”

 

minseok wants to say yes, wants to do nothing more than drag jongin into his apartment, but it’s hitting him suddenly that this is what couples do. and even though jongin was the longest relationship he’s been in, he’s afraid of having that string attached now, too. jongin must notice his silence and quickly apologizes, reaches over and holds one of his small hands in his big, larger ones. “forget i said that. it was cheap of me.”

 

“i want to, but just—” minseok doesn’t know what else to say. “i’m overwhelmed. i’m sorry.”

 

“it’s fine. it’s okay.” jongin reassures, squeezes his hand. “hey, don’t cry. why are you crying?”

 

minseok waves his free hand and covers his face with it, turning away.

 

“i must really have a way with words…” jongin jokes quietly. minseok groans and slaps his arm. “why are you crying?”

 

“i don’t know.” minseok sniffles, presses both of his hands to his cheeks. “i promise it’s not bad. just… i don't know. this is what couples do, isn’t it?”

 

“yeah, minnie.” jongin tilts his head. “that’s what we are.”

 

“so soon?”

 

“you wanted to go through the dating process all over again?” he raises a brow. minseok laughs, hides behind his hands. “you know me better than anyone. i don’t think we have to go through the awkward dating stage again, but i’m willing to do it if that’s what makes you more comfortable.”

 

“no.” minseok shakes his head. “no. it’s fine. this is fine.”

 

“okay.” jongin says, squeezes his knee softly. “next time, i’ll say it in a sweeter way.”

 

“shut up.” minseok tells him but there’s no bite to it and he’s grinning. he pushes the door open and steps out, cheeks turning numb from the cold air. “i’ll see you tomorrow. after work?”

 

“yeah.” jongin starts his car. “we can go get food, stop by baekhyun’s on the way back.”

 

and it all feels oddly normal, like he’s just pressed play from the year long pause his life was on. he tells jongin yes, that it sounds good. for once, he doesn’t feel anxious after leaving jongin.

 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ

 

his therapist isn’t too happy about it, but she keeps her cool, listens as minseok tells her that it feels different this time. he feels lighter after his appointment that week.

 

there’s also the matter that minseok can’t… see anyone naked without feeling repulsed. he hadn’t tested this out in person, but whenever he thought he could stomach anything close to porn, his eyes would reject and he’d physically feel sick. at first, he didn’t care for it much, but jacking off to nothing but old memories was difficult. sex had been difficult to incorporate back into his life when he first began taking his meds. he just couldn’t, no matter how badly he wanted to, he couldn’t.

 

jongin had been understanding when they first began dating, said that he didn’t have to worry about feeling bad. it took him a good three months before his body became accustomed to the medication and could get it up at least once or twice a week.

 

when minseok asks his doctor about it, the repulsion of naked bodies, the idea of sex, she just shakes her head and says it’s a side effect, minseok. it’ll feel that way for some time. and minseok wants to cry because he doesn’t want to feel repulsed by jongin, doesn’t think he could stomach telling him that he just couldn’t handle something like that.

 

he wonders if it’s just with porn, if it doesn’t include jongin and his model body. he thinks about kissing him and that doesn’t make him sick, doesn’t cause his hands to sweat and nausea to set in his gut and swim in his head.

 

they’re at jongin’s apartment when minseok decides to test his theory, initiates the kiss first on jongin’s couch. it doesn’t feel wrong, so minseok gets bold, climbs into his lap like he had done so many times before. jongin is a comforting weight under him, still strong and warm like he had been a long time ago. minseok breaks away, tries to get a word in when jongin tucks his face into minseok’s neck. he tries to wiggle down, tries to get some sort of friction just to see, just to check. “you okay?” jongin asks, cradles minseok’s face in his hands.

 

“yeah.” minseok nods, bites his tongue, “just…”

 

“we can stop. are you uncomfortable?” jongin looks concerned, a look he’d pulled on minseok so many times before.

 

“stop being so polite.” minseok hisses. “don’t… act that way with me. i won’t break.”

 

jongin blinks, then hoists minseok’s thighs around his waist before getting up. “you’re scolding me for being polite?” they’re in his bedroom now, minseok’s back pressed to the door after jongin had shut it.

 

“when don’t i scold you?” minseok teases, pokes at his chin.

 

“when i’m fucking you.”

 

minseok tries not to appear affected, just rolls his eyes like it’s a chore to listen to him. jongin pecks his mouth a few times before leading them to his bed. it’s jongin, i’ve known you for nearly eight years jongin, but anxiety still builds inside of him when jongin starts to undress. he doesn’t feel repulsed, nor is he anywhere near soft in his jeans, but the idea of it all makes him shake.

 

jongin notices, kisses the palms of his hands and whispers, “i’m gonna be polite about it. minnie, we don’t have to.”

 

“no. i want to.” minseok says, tries to take his pants off but his hands are shaking a bit too much, like he’s cold. “do it for me. please.”

 

“minseok.”

 

“please? i want to. please. just do it for me.” minseok tries not to let the whines slip from his mouth, but it proves to not do so well. jongin nods once, kisses his cheek and tells him to say when it’s too much, when he doesn’t want it anymore. minseok closes his eyes as jongin takes his clothes off for him, runs his hands down his thighs all the way to his ankles. he twitches when jongin goes to take off his hoodie. “can i leave it on?”

 

“of course. whatever you want.” jongin looks so tenderly at him that it aches in his gut.

 

it’d been so long since march, an entire lifetime away. minseok runs his thumb over the piece of metal in jongin’s nipple a few times, watches jongin shiver above him from the contact. “missed you.” he says, dropping kisses on his face since he can’t reach his chest over the hoodie. minseok glances down and sees that jongin is hard against his hip. no repulsion. just heat coiling in his stomach.

 

minseok reaches one hand down between them and strokes jongin slowly, not anything that could make him cum. he sighs, presses his hips down against minseok’s. “shit.” minseok huffs, thanks all the gods and goddesses for making his dick work tonight, for not being repulsed at seeing jongin naked.

 

jongin makes quick work of sliding down minseok’s body and putting his mouth on him. minseok shudders, threads one of his hands in jongin’s hair while the other holds his hand. minseok never liked doing this much, but when jongin could get him on his knees, he looked like he had just been gifted large sums of money. jongin’s good at it — giving head — and it seems he’s been eager to do this for a while because his enthusiasm doesn’t falter once. not even when his gag reflex protests and sends him back up for air. minseok wants to commit it to memory, jongin sucking his cock like his life depends on it.

 

“fuck. love you. in love with you.” minseok babbles, squeezes both of his hands, the one holding his hand and the one gripping jongin’s hair. jongin gags himself again, this time on purpose, his throat constricting around minseok’s cock in a way that both feels good and too much at the same time. jongin pulls off, rests his cheek against minseok’s thigh. he tries to regain his breathing, mouth huffing against minseok’s skin.

 

“missed you.” jongin repeats, kisses down past minseok’s balls to a place that minseok rarely allowed him to go. “say you’re in love with me again.”

 

“gonna fuck me with your tongue?” minseok breathes, grinning when jongin’s head comes back up from in between his thighs. “does your cock not work?”

 

“it does.” jongin says, “put your knees up.”

 

minseok let’s go of his hand and drags his feet up the bed until he’s in an overly exposed position. the anxiety he felt before is gone now, replaced with hot and thick lust. “you only ever let me do this a few times.” jongin says, kisses his left hip and then his right. “something about it taking too much time.”

 

“you’re taking too much just by talking.” minseok teases. he regrets it when jongin nods, swallows his cock again, sucks and suck until he gags himself, looks up at minseok while he does it. tears prickle his eyes from how hard he’s doing it. minseok reaches out and wipes them before they can run down his cheeks.

 

jongin grins, “you’re so sappy.”

 

and he is, but only ever for jongin. minseok seeks jongin’s hand beside him and clutches it when he feels jongin’s breath dangerously close to his rim. jongin’s good at this, too. minseok doesn’t have much past experiences to compare it to, but it’s always intense, quick bubbling in his stomach and his thighs twitching and shaking.

 

jongin takes his time with this, shoves his tongue in alongside one dry finger that had dried from spit. minseok feels dangerously close, feels like his head might burst. “okay. stop.” minseok breathes, thighs shaking, but shutting around jongin’s head.

 

he does it properly the second time, with lube. goes with two fingers and then three. jongin’s not looking at him, instead focused on the work he’s doing with his hand. “i wonder if you could take my whole hand.” he muses, but it’s quiet from the steady hum of the tv still playing in the living room.

 

“next time.” minseok promises. “you could probably take mine, though.”

 

jongin laughs, “your fists are tiny.”

 

“fine. we’ll try next time with mine.”

 

“you’re into that?” jongin looks up, his hair falling his eyes, sweat slightly matting it to his forehead. minseok wants to die and cum at the same time. “want your fist in me?” he punctuates it with four thrusts of his fingers, jabbing scarily close to his prostate.

 

“yeah.” minseok closes his eyes, rolls his hips down to meet jongin’s fingers.

 

it’s nothing like how it was in march. minseok clings to jongin the entire time, presses his face into his neck, whines, moans for it. “love you.” jongin says, sometime after or before or during. “in love with you, too, stupid.”

 

minseok thinks they could have easily fucked for a few hours, fading in and out at times. jongin wipes them both down after the first time, lays down next to him and holds his hand. they talk about mindless things, the weather, the new agencies that had gotten in touch with jongin recently. minseok expresses how proud of him he is, pinches his cheek and coos at him. jongin lets minseok fuck him after that, says something dirty and inappropriate when minseok flips them over so jongin’s on top. “sit up. scoot back against the pillows.”

 

minseok does, sits so jongin can crawl back in his lap and lower himself down again. this way, minseok has perfect view of the bar through jongin’s left nipple. he thinks about putting his mouth on it, but doesn’t want to rush into that so quickly, shelves it for later. he does touch it, though, pinches it between his fingers until jongin’s whining from it, twists away from it but pushes closer to it at the same time.

 

“say it again.” jongin begs, sometime  before or after or during. “say you love me.”

 

and minseok does, before during and after.

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
